All the Small (Big) Things

Why am I sad?

 To be honest I have no idea.............

Well exact idea. I'm tired of the small things. The small thing of a teacher you looked up to one minuet in a blink of an eye crash your whole view of someone you once held high. Or maybe it's a small thing of not being able to finish a math test because your too slow (Is speed is more important then checking your work?) Or maybe it's hiding a relationship that I can't show the world. Or maybe it's a small thing having the chance to do something you really wanted to do that could teach you something but instead of that two people get to redo it for a second time. Or maybe something small like wanting a college sooooo bad that you cover all your walls with and you wished for it all of your life but you can't because it's your fault. Or it's a small thing getting called a slacker because this year you have headaches where you can't see sometimes let alone think. Or maybe it's your princiPAL scheduling a meeting and never actually talking to you.  Or maybe it's a small thing not being able to think straight because you work till 11 some nights so you can pay for your own food instead of borrowing money from your parents. Or maybe it's a small thing to keep everyone else happy and safe instead of yourself. Or maybe it's a small thing trying to find money for Christmas the way you want it. Or maybe it's trying to deal with your bitchy self. Or something small like saying I'm fine when asked are you ok or how are you when it is a question nobody except those close to you actually care about. All these small things and others are just small things through others eyes they only see one or two and I'm a complainer for being sad over small things but there isn't just one or two there are a lot of things small things but there is power in numbers. So think if you hear something small from someone it could be a small of a whole. And that is why I can't tell people why I'm sad it's just too much 

The Love That Burns Eternally

It's amazing how love can affect a person; not only physically, cuddling, kisses and warm fuzzy hugs, but mentally, thinking about this person non stop, feeling you can never say the right words, and even becoming an emotional wreck cuz there is a bump in the road ( yes I fell fault to this). I love showing love to this person but I seem to screw it up a lot, sorry. I see features I can't hold in because I'm so open around you. I do stupid things like call off plans and go sit outside your work your whole shift waiting for u to take your break then give u a ride home just for 5 mins of seeing this person's face. Driving home from dropping you off you have the feeling your leaving your first born child in a ditch. Or having the worse day ever and  having you in my arms make me able to take the worst of days on. love you, my boo boo :)

Forever and always,
Boo

Love or like

As of late I seemed to have a huge problem with deciding the difference between friendship and love. It is a topic way too often talked about, lets add to that number. These two are sooo similar often they develop and grow off of each other. In my case they are each other the only difference is the person you love, by love I mean gushy touchy feely, I want to spend the rest of my life with you love. One problem I personally endure is I love all my friends a bit too much. I also have the idea that everyone gets to fall in love with at least one person, by this I mean the second their eyes meet sparks fly. I just recently read a book where the two main charters had this happen.  The very second Nate and Adam's eyes met they knew and the sparks were so amazing everyone knew. When you have sparks like that your relationship never gets old or in need of help, you can endure just about anything. In order to love someone they have to also have the qualities  of a best friend, doesn't have to be one.  Friendship, what does that word mean to you? Personally it means the world to me. I classify my friends into two categories, friends and best friends, just as most people do. What a friend means to me is, somebody that is there for you without caring too much. They don't know veery much about you, or they don't really  try to find out more about you. There is little to no "spark" between you.  Best friends are that and so much more. They are always there for you no matter when, where, or what.  They have that "spark" In huge amounts. Almost that you could date them but, it's a different type of spark.  You tend to be a goof ball  with them. Some advice I give to you about how to find that spark, this is only if you truly want to find that person u have that huge love spark with. Now I bid you the best of luck in whatever direction you feel to go. "And my the odds be ever in your favor" -trinket (The hunger games.)

Quotes (ramdom)

Yes I will go for it for you.
If u fall or get knocked over ill catch you
 but I don't want to be the one pushing u.
 I want to be catching you.


life is tough so wear a helmet; 

life's too short to worrie about just one small thing  :D

Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy - Ludwig van Beethoven

Stop trying to look between the lines there is nothing there but white paper it is what is on the lines that counts. - David Wertz 

Take it from an old spectator. Life’s not a spectator sport. If watchin’ is all you’re gonna do, then you’re gonna watch your life go by without ya.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame

You’re focusing on the problem. If you focus on the problem, you can’t see the solution.
Arthur Mendelson – Patch Adams

You only Fail when you Don't Try:) not trying is failing- kris laird

Don't only practice your art. 
But, force your way into it's secrets for it and knowledge 
can raise men to the Divine. 

~ Ludwig Van Beethoven 

True love is tied to truth and the truth involves all the heart- (me)

A true friend

On a recent 22 hr trip to Florida before going to sleep on the way down I wrote some stuff down on a slip of paper and thought I'd share.

A true friend 

A true friend 

Is one who you love

One who can bend

Without becoming the end

The love is strong 

The memories like no other

The love last so long

Even after they're gone

The memories are sad

The hugs shared

You never made me mad

I just feel I've been had 

I feel I'm pushing

certainly not pulling 

Even though I'm not trying 

Trust me I'm not lying 

I don't know what to say

I guess wait for a new day

For our love, memories, and hugs 

Make me long for us again. 

I love you 

I love you

I don't know what to do

I know it's showing through

I love you

Do you love me?

Can we forever be?

Can you see ?

Do you love me

My life

My life

Sitting at the piano finishing Beethoven's "fur Elise" for the hundredth time.
School starts I have no one but my piano
The school is as bright as the sun but I deal with it. It smells a lot like glue too.
The long nights in the garage with dad are worth the world
This is when I first had a crush.

She was a peacock. Beautiful in every way.
Her singing voice amazing and best of all she was a musician too
The usual sucky pattern of love I got friend zoned
But she was amazing.

Third grade. This is the year my life started declining but also had more meaning.
My teacher called me dumb behind my back.
I constantly felt like under attack.
Then out of all this demeaning.

Silver shining it was amazing. The trumpet now reached my hand.
This was now my happiness // my bliss.
The music flowed in to and through me.
I was alive.

The Jr.high hit and it brought stress and hardships
Including the first love of my life
She cheated on me.
I died again.

Finally the year it all changes I get friends
I get better at trumpet people still beat me but I'm better
And this 10th graders year is going to be his best
Nope. Because he was dead.
 Only to revive himself with the only love he could find // music

Failures (they are eminent depression)

I feel it is time for a blog post sooo here it goes. You know this one will be one you will have to follow to find out the solution but here it goes.

I really don't know why and how my body works but I feel as if I am loosing my own battle. I mean I had a meeting with the principal and dean of students today and I locked up. I always get so nervous and I hurts because I know I'm not scared I just don't want to screw up. And yet I did. I feel I can win a battle every so often but I feel I'm just plain out loosing the war. I'm fighting for my grades and I'm loosing. I'm fighting for my future and I'm loosing. I'm fighting for my clear mind and I just can't get there some days I just can't think which it's not like I'm stoned and its my fault. The kid that loved school at the begging of the year now hates it and is in fear of being called gay to his face getting punched and when he tries to talk to teachers they are just to busy maybe later but when they need something I need to get on my hands and knees just to please them. Now on to the thing I love music I have region band I need  to learn the music for next week I haven't learned any yet...... And memorize Disney music and learn jazz and music and do my 4-5 pgs of homework and normally I'm modest but I just need to get it out. If feel like a terrible person and it truly hurts. I also feel that I need to be put into classes that are for students with a learning disorder because I feel downright dumb and it hurts. I just want a break to play music and breath. After my second failure of my drivers test today I really don't want to even go back I considered just riding the bus for now on. And I know I sound like a complainer but this is how I get it out without people judging me for being up tight. Normally I can handle all the stress but today I can't soo Hence a blog post .
I just can't take being called dumb and smart at the same time It is like giving somebody the keys to a new ford gt mustang convertible and then saying oh wait I'm sorry the paper says David wert not Wertz sorry  sooo it is like ripping out your heart I just feel dumb and telling me I'm smart doesn't change anything in my book I mean it means you care but I know who those people are soo yeah........ Once the solution comes to me ill be sure to pass it on to all of my glorious readers oh wait my four readers which is better than none I guess but hey sa la-vie..................................................... To be continued.

life long love

In honor of valentines day quickly approaching I decided to post something I made a while back but the thoughts and feelings are still the same........

  Music is life and life is wound by friends who care and dare to share the one most important thing to them...... Their heart. My life isn't measured by time frankly because time hasn't been able to be measured  always and forever but one thing has been............love. Love creates, builds,  and destroys for the task needed to be done.  Wether it is destroyed or built up to the hugest mountain love is needed and life with friends' compassion, forgiveness, and most of all love. 

The love that is in my heart today is A love for music, A  love for friendship, A love for working out life's forever problems and most important, A love for happily ever after endings that still happen today not only once upon a time.  Live for love and you will live forever in bliss as I do. 

Things most guys ( well at least mostly me) LOVE!:)

I recently spent this last week at home sick and around Thursday I got tired of being all negative about being all sick and stuff soo I decided to make a list of things that made me happy. After looking at this list I figured I myswell share it because I put some effort in to it sooooo without any further adue here it is.......

Things guys (mostly I) LOVE ...

 

1. Music I mean it is amazing It changes me every time I listen to it and I also can express my own self through it.  

2.  hair touched ( I may not show it but I absolutely love it):) I mean with in reason not every second. Ok but still I like it alot I feels sooo good. 

3. Others showing confidence ( I hate insecure people especially because every person on earth deserves to feel safe.)

4. Hugs are the best thing in the world. They make me feel so safe and okay with things 

5. I love to cry it relives me and also gives me chance for peace with myself. 

6. Wrestling is soo much fun not like punching but like testing strength and stuff. 

7. Hanging with friends. They make you who you are and help you through  all the hard times......and good times

8. Just thinking of memories and past people. 

9. lazy ness absolute the best thing in the world to be able to just with there and do nothing 

10. Finally I love to be encouraged to do things just when friends like tell me to get up with that puppy dog tone of voice it sounds stupid but I adore it :) 

11. I'm goin above and beyond I love being a kid and will be one for my whole life wether others like it or not and wether age likes it or not. :)  

CRASH!!!!!!

     It seems one of the many aspects of life is that it has it's ups and downs and of of course it's occasional CRASH! U feel everything u worked for or towards just dies.  And all u have to look forward to is death and seldom happiness.Some reasons for a crash in you life could include but are not limited to loosing the cloest of friends, losing your own meaning for life, feeling lost within yourself, having little to no self cofidence, acting calm and as if nothing bothers u when wait it really does and there are plenty more to add to this sucky list. Sadly these are an often reoccurring thing in my life. Now there are a few ways to recover.......or not. 

     Try to just keep swimming meaning act like nothing happened and u carry the hurt and just try to have thick skin and ignore it. This way works well if there are only a few crashes in your year your able to use this. 

    Another way to fix things is to piece  every little piece back into its original place but even with this when you put every thing back and it looks pretty much original well there will still be flaws small hairline cracks meaning that it would still not be back to original.

 Another is to just sit and let life takes its toll and hope for the best this can work for the good or bad. I don't like this way because you have no control never knowing what could possibly happen.

The final way u can try to fix things after a crash is the simplest of all and that is just let it be and stay crashed at rock bottom and hope someone will come and rescue u. I often find myself falling in to this solution. But sadly my help that does arrive isn't the type I want to hear. It may be either too nice or too obvious and I often become a wreck. 

Soo If you know who I am and notice I crashed just know what I'm going through. And know my mind sometimes thinks more than my body can keep up with.